3x03 - ghost-trusters
Okay, so, uh, in lieu of a proper audio
journal, this time, I present this. It
covers most of the details. So, uh. Okay,
everybody. I know none of you except for
Teresa and Elaine listen to the podcast,
but. Enjoy the series finale of Ghost-
trusters the podcast. Good night, sweet
prince. Good night.
I mean, maybe we can start it again. But,
uh. Things will be different. Cuz that's
just how life is, now, I guess?
Okay, here we go. Should I explain the
concept of GTTP? No, no, it's--it's
implied. Okay, so. Bam. Let's go!
(Theme music. It’s an upbeat electronic tune—clearly thrown together fairly lazily. It ends with a sample from the Ghostbusters theme, the GHOSTBUSTERS! cheer with a spoken “trust” dubbed over the “bust.”)
Hello, and welcome to Ghost Trusters, your go-to podcast for news about ghosts that aren't evil.
And also, as of late, your go-to podcast
for hot updates on the end of the world.
I'm Mara Rosencrantz.
And I'm Benji Ahuja. And it's the end of
the world on a very localized basis, let's
get it right. So, uh, how are we doing
today? Because, uh, I've got some stresses,
of course, but I'm otherwise feeling pretty
Yeah, no, I'm living in constant fear right
Yeah, yeah, I think so. Uh. So. I don't have much of an intro today, you got anything?
Uh, I don't know! I've been, uh, been
trying to keep my cool about this thing
that I, uh--well, this thing that popped
out of nowhere, so. Yeah. Been a little
And by thing, you, uh, you definitely mean
Which is just so sudden and weird and hard
to deal with.
Oh, absolutely. I went to get groceries, the other day, and oh my God, was it chaos. It's like snowstorm season, just, uh, bread milk and eggs, you know? I mean, I'm vegan, so it's like--
Almond milk and vegan eggs, the latter of which they don't sell at the minimart and the Wegmans is closed so you can't get them anywhere. We talked about vegan eggs for a solid five minutes last week--what are they made of? Vegan eggs is people, was my big, uh, my very good bit that I did. If we can recall.
I recall, my man. I don't think it's a good
bit, it lacks much room for building on top
of. Yeah, but, uh, my point is, I have
never seen that many people trying to buy
pistachios at once. Of all the nuts.
I like pistachios.
But not enough to buy them en masse.
I mean, I guess--
It's just weird, is all. Like, people are
disappearing into another dimension and the
sky is hard to look at and the ocean
doesn't work properly, but people just want
those little salty guys.
Okay. Cool. So, uh, might as well get to
our first ghost of the episode! This story
was submitted to us by Jordan Lovely from
State next door!
Yeah, yeah! Thanks Jordan.
Okay, so Jordan says, uh, "In my town,
there's a story about an old spirit named
Gloria who was thought to signal bad
events. There's not much info on her, other
than that she's a symbol of bad luck, but
when I was eleven or so, I think I saw
Oh, a sighting! Weirdly enough, we don't
get many emails about sightings anymore.
Wonder why? It's kinda strange, we should
have those primarily, I feel.
Yeah, yeah. Uh, Jordan continues, "She was
a cloud of mist, more than a person, and I
felt her looming over me, almost
overpowering. And she gained definition,
slowly, and then touched my neck."
And, here's the weird thing, listeners. The
email ends there.
So, dutiful researchers that we are, we decided to find out more about it ourselves. So, uh, Jordan didn't attach their town's name, nor did they give us a last name for the ghost, but we did find a database of Virginia ghost sightings.
Note on that database: lot of racists.
Like, an overwhelming amount.
And, also, we couldn't find a single ghost
And this means--like, this could mean
Most likely that people in Jordan's town
aren't really, uh, racist-ghost-database
users, but. We decided, inspired by this
email, that, due to a lack of ability to
really do much, we're gonna cover, uh,
we're gonna cover ~Omens~.
Which would have been really cool to have
For new listeners, we should contextualize,
that, uh, about four weeks ago, our
hometown, uh, kinda went into a crisis,
with, like, colliding with an alternate
dimension. If you haven't watched the news.
Just want to clarify again that we had no way to know that this would happen. At all. Also, there's a rift, that's, uh, swallowing people into an alternate dimension. Including my friend Angie. We're working on a solution to get her, and everyone else, back out.
Oh, yeah, what's the update on that? My
brother's in there. Also, we really don't
need to clarify that. You're too worried
about Twitter, Benj.
Yeah, we extracted some folks yesterday,
the, uh, relief effort, and they're doing
okay. And My friend Elaine got out a few
days back, and she's doing good! Kinda
banged up but she's--good. And, uh, look,
okay, I'm always worried about Twitter.
Social media is a trap that I have fallen
far too deep into to escape.
And speaking of Twitter, we did ask our
followers on social media for their
Our first one comes from katherineed on
Twitter, uh, who says, uh, in all caps,
GROUPS OF RAVENS.
Hard agree. Love birds, love goth shit, I
am just--that's a good bad omen, baby.
And to, uh, address the elephant in the room, twitter user yolowoho mentioned the very good book called Good Omens. We agreed not to talk about it on this episode, just as a warning, because we are on a tangent free streak.
It is a good book, though. Uh, faizaan732
mentioned sidewalk cracks. Neat.
oswinthehuman and banbajisshi both
mentioned black cats. Which is nice. Cats?
Very good. We did that in episode seven, I
think, but those little guys are pretty
fun. But, uh, Mara, you have the one we
liked's username, I think?
Yeah, uh, so, floralbouquet on Twitter
mentioned, uh, chain letters, which I think
are worth talking about as sort of a modern
prophetic death warning. Do you ever get
Not through email, but, uh--youtube
comments, they're really common. I
(he takes a beat)
Uh, I actually just got one right now. Got
the little, uh, Email notification and it's
got, uh--Live, weird coincidence. This is
radio, folks! That's how it--
We're not live.
He is pulling up the email. Just to--to
fill the air. Fill the silence. It's
loading... loading, and--
Okay, this one's good. It's sent to me,
and, uh, six other people, which is--
interesting. Subject line, forward forward
forward STAY OUT, then, like, forty
asterisks, and, uh, It starts with, uh, YOU
KNOW TOO MUCH.
Really good opener. This is, I'll remind you, dear listeners, the premier podcast for your conspiracy theory needs.
Okay, white space, and then, uh. We know that you know.
What do you know?
I don't know!
Sounds like someone who knows that somebody
knows what they know would say.
Can we, uh. Can I continue.
Chill, you seem tense. Tenser than usual,
even. But go on.
Okay, so. It continues, like. You have done
far too deep into something that you cannot
ever fully understand. You need to leave.
You need to leave. You need to leave. You
need to leave.
Can't even follow the rule of threes?
(a little bit afraid)
Okay, this isn't--this isn't a chain
letter, it mentions people by name? So, uh-
-these are all people who have given me
permission to mention them in the show, by
the way. Uh.
Okay, so. It's not a chain letter, and it's
not a friendly ghost, but I'm into it, so
we'll edit it out if something gets too
Is this a bit?
(loud and clear)
This is not a bit. Uh, so. Miss Marin--
that's my employee and friend, uh.
Miss Marin, you know more than you let on,
even to your friends. Those books of yours
I'm not reading this. I'm--it's not on-
theme, it's not on-brand, it's--nothing.
It's just some--some stalker.
From the apoca-world.
Yeah, but--I dunno. It--it's not very funny
or nice. It's just--
(he takes a beat)
Chain emails! Anyway. Uh, they're pretty--
No, I wanna--I wanna read this.
I locked my phone--
And I know your password. We can edit it
out, I swear, I'm just--I'm curious--
I changed my password--
No you didn't.
Mail, mail--there it is.
Please don't do this.
It can't be that bad, it's just a creepy email, and--
There's a buzz, and a sound of the phone hitting the table.
And then, there's a long beat.
Hey, uh, j. curious, uh, what the fuck.
Did you do that?
I don't think so?
I mean, it was--a rare moment of calm for
Nah, it wasn't me. Just normal weird
apocalypse stuff. It's just like that
sometimes. My computer, awhile back, just
went half-test screen, and it stayed like
that for a month--
Yeah, I guess, just. Kinda freaky, yeah?
Everything's kinda freaky. Not in the cool
way, which is kinda a bummer, like--look,
we here at Ghost-trusters--
Are we still recording this? To publish?
Yeah, I'm down. Continue.
We here at Ghost-trusters are all about freaky shit. We love it. We love ghosts. Love parallel universes. Love all that junk. But it's not fun right now?
Yeah, I'm not into it. I just--it feels
weird. And wrong. And--like I should've
known something before--like, I should have
felt it coming?
Do you wanna get back to the ghosts?
Yeah, think so. But--I can't focus. I feel
like there's something we're missing.
Uh, I mean--
Whatever. Let's do a--a segment? Uh. A
Or we can stop recording? I mean--
Yeah, let's, I--
(And the recording ends. There's a beat, maybe 7 seconds long.)
And everything turned out fine! I mean.
Nobody died. Rosencrantz is okay, and, uh,
my phone doesn't work because Apocalypse, I guess, and--thus the lack of responses to
the calls you're surely making to me
twenty-four seven. Rosencrantz is--well--
She found out, when the studio got kinda
flooded with the... less cool folks from
that other place, let's call them, that,
uh, I had known things about all this,
prior to. I think that she was madder that
I didn't tell her about the, uh, ghost
potential than the pending apocalypse.
We're mostly cool, but I think she's angry.
I found out why there's not another me.
That's--cool. It's not because I'm dead, or
anything, it's just because I don't live in
town because I live in Brooklyn. It's a
pretty boring reason not to exist in a
parallel universe hellscape, I guess. I
hope alternative Brooklyn is cool. Maybe
less gentrified. I hope other me is doing
I guess, it's just that I didn't expect the apocalypse to be boring. It's not uneventful, but it's not--fun, either, no cool boat chase scenes or saving the world or--and it's a dumb fantasy! It really is, imagining that all at the expense of people but it's--I don't know. It felt harmless, before. And everyone's--not everyone, but a lot of people are just gone. Rosencrantz just told me she was going to drive out to Baltimore, get a train to New York from there, or something. And Elijah, who--you know him as the custard shop guy with the tattoos, uh, the--the really nice fade, too--he came over last night, asked me what I thought he should do. His sister lives in Rehobeth, and it's safe there, but he doesn't want to leave. I don't know why. I mean, I don't want to leave either, but I'm me. What does that say about him? What does that say about me? What does anything say about anything?
A door opens.
I think Rosencrantz left something here.
I'm gonna, uh. I'm gonna stop monologuing.